Updates and Such

I've been really bad about updating.  I need to make sure I'm writing this down, because some day I'll want to, or need to, read it. 

I'll try to go back chronologically, but I may get our of order.  Sue me.  ;)

After the chemo made her sick, Mom and I went back to see Dr. Gill's physician assistant to discuss hospice.  It was a very emotional day for me.  I'm not even really sure why.  All I know is that I go from one extreme to another.  First I'll be ole Happy Becky...just feeling normal. Then I get panicky, thinking that I need to be doing MORE for mom, even if it's just mentally doing things for her.  Like, I need to think about her daily because soon I won't be able to think in the present-tense about her.  Then I just get overwhelmed with sadness, but I don't cry much.  I still am not sure how cathartic it would be to cry.  Shedding a tear here and there is acceptable, but walking around boo-hooing, being sensitive to people mentioning dying at all is just not me.  And it probably never will be.  I didn't cry a lot when Dad died (ironically 10 years ago this December).   But anyway, back to that day.  I posted this on my Facebook that day:

 I don't wanna arrange hospice. I want to crawl in a hole and cry. Financial issues, stressed at work...make it stop, ok?

I got 31 responses to that post.   People surprise me.  It's like we all want to comfort and help each other.  I'm just speechless.  It made me feel really really good, but also really really sad.  I like attention, but not this attention.  Ah, I digress about MYSELF again. 

So we left that day, and I didn't do much about hospice.  Finally over that weekend, I found some places I really liked.  Lance's friend Colton's family owns a hospice called "Heart to Heart Hospice."  I spoke to the director, and just absolutely trusted her with my mom.  I looked into a few others (and thanks to my friends Vanessa and Sarah for giving me some excellent names), as well as to my friend Tiffany who suggested I care for my mom.  I offered that to my mom, but she knows deep down that I'm no nurse, and she wants to enjoy her time with me...not me to see her at her worst (however I anticipate seeing her at her worst one day.)  Anyway, we haven't nailed down one for sure yet, but we are meeting with a few this weekend.  I'm very comfortable with hospice.  As a matter of fact, I wish we'd get started so that Mom can have some help.  I just want to make sure her basic needs are being met.  I can run errands, etc, but I kind of think she needs someone to help her know what to do for pain, and how to deal with feelings.  The biggest thing she has to accept is that we will be find without her.  Of course that's not to say we will be GOOD without her, but we will survive.  She's so worried about being a burden to us.  I can't imagine a time EVER when she failed me when I needed her for support.  I'm sure I was a burden to her most of my adult life.  I feel good doing...what I'm supposed to do. 

Aunt Elaine is getting to Mom.  She is really making my mom feel worse, and won't listen when my mom tells her to back off.  I have thought about butting in, but I don't need to right now.  I tell ya, though, that after Mom dies, my aunt and I might have some words.  I KNOW she feels helpless, and yadda yadda yadda, but she constantly pushes my mom, and  sends her endless books/articles/researches on her cancer.  Mom said one day that she wishes Aunt Elaine would just treat her like her sister, not her "sister with cancer."  Ugh. 

I think I'll stop this post for tonight.  My neck muscles are cramping, which I've now dubbed my "Mom nerves."  I went to the doctor last Friday and got some muscle relaxers and stuff.  Flexeril is like candy to me...doesn't do a thing. 

Michael brought Serenity over to see us last Thursday.  We kept her for a few hours, and it was SO much fun.  She's adorable and really took my mind off of things.  Like I said on Facebook, she was a great diversion from things.  The Circle of Life, so to speak.