A Year Without You

Dear Mom,

It has been a year today since we lost you.  I'd love to say a lot has changed, but it hasn't.  Not one day has gone by, that I haven't thought about calling you to tell or ask you something.  The kids are older...they are all teenagers now.  Each one of them has a problem speaking about you without a tear. 

I've tried to be strong.  For the most part, I think I've done ok.  I just kind of went back to work and acted like normal, since that's what I do.  I don't regret that. 

What I miss the most is parental guidance.  Since Dad was gone almost 11 years ago now, and it's been a year since I've lost you, I have no more parents.  It's hard when I need to share something I know you know all about.  Or share something that you know is typical, or not so typical, Becky, and you know just what to say. 

Sigh, I love you, Mom.  I know you are up there.  Don't know what I believe about heaven or God, but I know you are with me in spirit always. 

Love you Always,

Becky

A Year

It's been a year last week since Mom first found out she had terminal Cholagiocarcinoma.  4 months later, she was gone.  This year went by so incredibly fast, I'm just amazed.  And sad.  The hardest part since her death is plainly and simply...she's not here.  When we traveled, or when the kids did something special, I really had no one I could share the pictures with.  I have so much I want to tell her, but I can't.  There's no one in this world who has the bond that she and I had.  It's just so hard not having EITHER parent alive.  Nobody who just...knows.   I have learned to nurture my relationship with my own daughter and my two boys.  I feel confident that when it's my time to go, they will take care of me, and each other. 

If I Had Only Known
by Reba McIntire

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known