Hope

I have to be up by 3:45 am to take mom to the hospital by 5.  Her procedure is at 7, and hopefully we will find out more about what's wrong.  I'm hoping for the best.  Hope hope hope.

Wow

  From Post Secret today

Monday

Mom goes back in for her scope on Monday.  Unfortunately, I can't be there.  I just can't take this much time off of work.  I know I haven't taken much time off so far, but I'm so sure there is going to be much more, and I haven't been there very long.  They are really working with me, and are truly concerned, so I'm not upset at all.  Bill has been with her for many surgeries before, so he will be a good substitute for me.  Sigh.  I just hope they find something concrete this time.  This waiting game is insane. 

Mom said she feels better today.  She's very constipated, though, which I'm sure makes her incredibly miserable on top of everything else.  I call her every day after work, and it really makes me feel good to talk to her.  It's like she waits for my phone calls, and gets to tell me about her ups and downs.  I used to get so annoyed that I had to hear this a lot, but now, that seems so cruel.  As long as she's still on this Earth and in my life, I'll listen to any kind of day she's having...good, bad and ugly. 

One Step Forward, Two steps back....

Yesterday, Mom got a call from her surgeon.  The results were not what we expected.  Evidently, when she had her gallbladder removed about 5 years ago, some staples that were left inside her hadn't dissolved, so they were irritating her bile duct.  According to her surgeon,this may be what caused the big mass in her bile duct. He said he didn't get a conclusive reading from the biopsy last Monday.  He said he was "confused."  However, he did let her know that her blood work shows that she does have cancer of the bile duct and/or pancreas.  SO...on Monday, August 1st, he is going BACK in and looking at her pancreas.  Sigh. Why didn't you take a look-see when you were in there before?   Bless her heart...this is too much. Even a healthy person couldn't endure many more exploratory surgery this close!  She seems to be in better spirits, but today she said she was really tired.  I want to tell her that it's probably the cancer, but I just can't say that.  All of a sudden, I feel myself giving her false hope.  It's easy to sit and think, "No, she's going to know the truth, and we are going to be truthful AT ALL TIMES."  But when I sit with her, look into her eyes, and see that inkling of the slightest of hope, I just...have to hope for miracles with her.  She knows she has cancer.  She knows there are a lot of things wrong with her, but if she wants to believe there is a remote chance that it's curable, I'm gonna let her.   <3

Mommy and my girls.

My mom with Jennifer (left) and Autumn (right) on Easter, 2011.  She looked so healthy here.  It's hard to believe that the jaundice came on so quickly.  

No News Day

Today was a really good day.  Mom felt better, and things just seemed...normal.  It's really hard, sometimes, to believe that my mom could be gone in less than a year.  It's so funny that people say "If I only knew WHEN I was going to die, it would be easier."  I'm not sure it is.  I mean I enjoy EVER LAST MOMENT with my mom.  I want it to last forever.  But lurking in the back of my mind is the fact that she won't be, no matter what the diagnosis.  She just isn't healthy.  Sigh. 

Wendy (at work) and I talked about what it would be like if we had a "celebration" for Mom, while she was living.  I wonder what her friends would think about that.  I wonder what SHE would think about that.  I just don't know. 

I don't want to have to do this right now in my life.  I still need my Mommy around. 

7 Stages of Grief

 I like this "model"...seems correct. 

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

Progress

I talked to Mom today, and she said she is feeling a lot better.  Aunt Elaine has asked her to call her doctor, so she called to find out if he could prescribe any more meds for her pain.  He said that he couldn't do it over the phone, but for her to call Monday to see what he could do. 

We just talk about hope.  Hope. That's all we can have.  Sometimes I think it's easier for me to think that everything's ok, and if we don't address it, things will change.  I guess there's nothing wrong with that.  Why should we sit around talking about death, when she still has life. 

Like everyone says...I hope this is a bad dream.  I want it to all be over.  I am very resentful of my mother in law.  She made a flippant comment about my mom "getting all the attention," to Bill.  Like my smart son, Lance said, though, she has no filter.  Then again, fuck the filter.  Just be nice.  That would make you NOT have to worry about a filter.  How come when someone is rude, we say they don't have a filter?  If you are nice, then you don't NEED a filter.  How come it's MY mom that's sick?  Why nobody else's?  It's so not fair. 

Mom is a little less yellow, but is still in a lot of pain.  I wish she was able to take more Vicodin, but I understand how sick it makes her. 

I didn't see her today.  Bill and Autumn went to the store for her.  I may go out and stay with her tomorrow a little.  Right now, it's like everything important to me has stopped being important.  On top of it all, I don't feel very good.  I've had diarrhea for about 2 weeks now.  I think I'm also losing weight, which is kinda hard to feel bad about.  I have got to get to the doctor.  Just waiting on insurance, but I don't know.  Maybe I just need to do it.

It's all just surreal.  Surreal.   

Thursday, July 21

 Mom had her EDRP today. The doctor did find a large mass in her bile duct as expected. He also found that she had staples left in her from her gallbladder surgery years ago. He is now going to send her results to an oncologist for him to determines whats next. I'm here with her tonight. She seems a well as can be expected. Still seems surreal that she has cancer. I feel good to be here with her.

The first few days.

Friday July 14, 2011:  Sue let us know that Mom was really yellow, and wondered if we had seen her.  I said that we hadn't seen her in about 6 weeks. 

Sunday, July 17, 2011:  We all met at Mom's for Cory's birthday.  She almost glowed in the dark.  Her tan skin seemed the same, but every other part of her that should normally be white was flourescent yellow.  We almost took her to the ER then, but she convinced us that she would see Dr. Kreider on Monday morning.

Monday, July 18th, 2011:  Mom saw Dr. Kreider, who immediately sent her to the hospital to have a CAT Scan.  Dr. suspected that with Mom's level of jaundice, that she had cancer of her bile duct.  

Tuesday, July 19th, 2011:  Mom heard from Dr Kreider that she had a "mass,' in her bile duct, and would need a laparscopic procedure to determine what should be done.  Sue called Dr. Kreider, who explained that Mom had not heard all of her diagnosis, and that Cholangiocarcinoma, bile duct cancer, was suspected.  Mom was believed to be in stage 4 or later.

Wednesday, July 20th (today).  We went with mom to meet her surgeon who will do an ERCP on Thursday.  He discussed frankly with her that this is probably inoperable, and most likely fatal.  He advised her to get her affairs in order.


And that's where we are.