Day 3

Day three with Mom. She seems so much stronger today, but yet less and less independent. She's not able to get out of bed by herself, so I'm doing a lot of lifting, but it's still all worth it. Tomorrow I will be able to talk to the hospice nurse about Mom's needs (hospital bed, walker, etc). It's amazing to me how fast this is going. Reminds me of a song from the 70s..."Day by Day." sigh

Day 2

Day 2 with Mommy. She's been able to keep a lot of her meds down now, so that's great. She still hasn't eaten, but the nurses are not sure she will. She has told me over and over what a relief it is for me to be here. That makes me feel so good. She's saying she's ready for a hospital bed, and I definitely think she needs a cane or walker.  I'm be talking to her nurse about that on Monday.  For the time being, I'll be staying out here through Wednesday, but longer if needed.  This is short term for the most important time of my and my mom's life. 

Time for Me

Well, it looks like Mom is going to need full-time care. The hospice nurse wants me to stay out here this weekend and document how Mom is doing. She hasn't eaten in a week and is now nauseated and can't keep pain meds down. She sleeps a lot. I feel good being here.

Plateaus

Talked to Mom's hospice nurse today. She says my mom has plateaued. Not better. Not worse. Nurse is focusing on Mom's pain management and weakness. The nurse does not feel she is near passing away any time soon. She said Mom's pain level is 5-7. She's trying to get it down to 3-4. She has upped pain med, pain patch, etc. An aide is starting on Wednesdays to help with housework. 

It's nice to be able to exhale a bit.  

Denial

Things have changed.  Now I think Mom is going through a denial/rebellion phase.  Sue flew in because she and Mom had made arrangements  to sit with an attorney and make plans for Mom's finances.  Sue had been calling people, getting information, and Mom was ok with everything.  Sue told me today that Mom didn't make an appointment with an attorney until this Tuesday, and they can't even get her in until next week.  Sue will be gone.  Then she decided that she just wants to make a will, and "everything will be handled in the will."   I really understand what's happening.  She just doesn't want to acknowledge that it's nearing the end.  She's got a (excuse my word) "fuck it" attitude.  I probably would have that too. 

She's taking 3 kinds of pain relievers now.  She's still up and mobile, mostly, but she has a lot more "bad" days than good days.  Her nurse comes twice a week, but that's all the hospice is providing.  I'm not very happy with them, either, at this moment.  They promised us lots of stuff that's not happening.  I SO need to take care of this stuff.  I.Just.Don't.Have.Time.  

I know I sound so fatalistic, but I'm just..at a loss.  I'm losing my mom, my husband and I can't pay our bills, even if I DO work all week.  If I miss a day, my check is less than when I was a teenager.  I can't change jobs, I can't work another jobs, and the list of what's wrong with me physically is getting worse and worse.  My kids need to go to the dentist, my husband needs expensive medicine...it just seems so hopeless.  I can't even imagine how things could get better.  

In other news, Steve Jobs died yesterday.  He had pancreatic cancer.  Very similar to Mom's cancer.  I hate cancer.  Life itself isn't at the top of my list right now, either. 

No News is Good News, right?

First of all, for the most part, assume that no news is good news.  It's so sad that I'm  not posting good updates, and I should be thankful for every GOOD moment there is, but in the long run, I'd rather just go with the "status quo" sometimes, and not have to stop and write about it.

Well, and then there's the other thing.  One night, just for kicks, I thought I'd read "at" this little book that the hospice people gave me called "When It's Time."  I knew it was about death approaching, and I'm pretty certain it's going to be a little while for Mom, so I just thought I'd read a few pages.  All of a sudden I got this panic/anxiety attack, and nearly collapsed.  WHERE did THAT come from?  I was so frustrated that I couldn't control myself from crying, sobbing, bargaining.  It was weird...it was like all of a sudden I was thinking about trying more and more things to make sure there wasn't more we could do.  Bill finally had to calm me down, and that's the last time I've done that!!  However, now, every time I even let myself "go there," [think about her dying], I panic again.

I guess I didn't mention that everything, for the most part, is going ok with her hospice.  She's definitely getting the help she needs.  I'm not really pleased with the change in staff and things so much, and I really wish we had someone to talk to other than a reverend.  I know that he's probably a great guy, and yada yada yada...I'd just prefer a licensed psychologist or something.  I'll have to find one on my own. Or not.

But all and all, my mom is doing well.  She goes to the store by herself, and so far is feeling better.  It's like she's back to her old self.  Yet she's not.

I appreciate everyone who reads this and offers support.  I kinda suck at responding, and that's rude of me.  Just know that I love you all for caring. 

Hospice

We met with the intake lady and nurse from Heart to Heart Hospice on Saturday at Mom's house.  I was very pleased with the care they provided to Mom, and she seemed to feel very good to have someone actually listen to what she had to say.  They had time for her, and that's what she's been wanting from her physicians all along.  I told Bill that I really wish that everyone could have a team of nurses around them when they are diagnosed with a serious illness.  This just seems to be the ideal situation for my mom.  They even identified the source of some of her pain from a surgery a long time ago. 

They gave me a booklet called "When Death is Near."  They told me not to even read it until I really needed to.  Of course stubborn me thought I could handle a page or two last night before I went to sleep.  I read one page, and had an anxiety attack.  I know she's not going to live forever. I know.  But when I read the details of actual death...no way.   I told Bill to shred the book (which we didn't), and I almost vomited.  Wow.  

So the way we left it, Mom will have the nurse twice a week, and  nurse's aid three times a week.  She requested a hot young male nurse, but they didn't seem to have one.  ;)  Love my mom.