Denial

Things have changed.  Now I think Mom is going through a denial/rebellion phase.  Sue flew in because she and Mom had made arrangements  to sit with an attorney and make plans for Mom's finances.  Sue had been calling people, getting information, and Mom was ok with everything.  Sue told me today that Mom didn't make an appointment with an attorney until this Tuesday, and they can't even get her in until next week.  Sue will be gone.  Then she decided that she just wants to make a will, and "everything will be handled in the will."   I really understand what's happening.  She just doesn't want to acknowledge that it's nearing the end.  She's got a (excuse my word) "fuck it" attitude.  I probably would have that too. 

She's taking 3 kinds of pain relievers now.  She's still up and mobile, mostly, but she has a lot more "bad" days than good days.  Her nurse comes twice a week, but that's all the hospice is providing.  I'm not very happy with them, either, at this moment.  They promised us lots of stuff that's not happening.  I SO need to take care of this stuff.  I.Just.Don't.Have.Time.  

I know I sound so fatalistic, but I'm just..at a loss.  I'm losing my mom, my husband and I can't pay our bills, even if I DO work all week.  If I miss a day, my check is less than when I was a teenager.  I can't change jobs, I can't work another jobs, and the list of what's wrong with me physically is getting worse and worse.  My kids need to go to the dentist, my husband needs expensive medicine...it just seems so hopeless.  I can't even imagine how things could get better.  

In other news, Steve Jobs died yesterday.  He had pancreatic cancer.  Very similar to Mom's cancer.  I hate cancer.  Life itself isn't at the top of my list right now, either.