Hope

I have to be up by 3:45 am to take mom to the hospital by 5.  Her procedure is at 7, and hopefully we will find out more about what's wrong.  I'm hoping for the best.  Hope hope hope.

Wow

  From Post Secret today

Monday

Mom goes back in for her scope on Monday.  Unfortunately, I can't be there.  I just can't take this much time off of work.  I know I haven't taken much time off so far, but I'm so sure there is going to be much more, and I haven't been there very long.  They are really working with me, and are truly concerned, so I'm not upset at all.  Bill has been with her for many surgeries before, so he will be a good substitute for me.  Sigh.  I just hope they find something concrete this time.  This waiting game is insane. 

Mom said she feels better today.  She's very constipated, though, which I'm sure makes her incredibly miserable on top of everything else.  I call her every day after work, and it really makes me feel good to talk to her.  It's like she waits for my phone calls, and gets to tell me about her ups and downs.  I used to get so annoyed that I had to hear this a lot, but now, that seems so cruel.  As long as she's still on this Earth and in my life, I'll listen to any kind of day she's having...good, bad and ugly. 

One Step Forward, Two steps back....

Yesterday, Mom got a call from her surgeon.  The results were not what we expected.  Evidently, when she had her gallbladder removed about 5 years ago, some staples that were left inside her hadn't dissolved, so they were irritating her bile duct.  According to her surgeon,this may be what caused the big mass in her bile duct. He said he didn't get a conclusive reading from the biopsy last Monday.  He said he was "confused."  However, he did let her know that her blood work shows that she does have cancer of the bile duct and/or pancreas.  SO...on Monday, August 1st, he is going BACK in and looking at her pancreas.  Sigh. Why didn't you take a look-see when you were in there before?   Bless her heart...this is too much. Even a healthy person couldn't endure many more exploratory surgery this close!  She seems to be in better spirits, but today she said she was really tired.  I want to tell her that it's probably the cancer, but I just can't say that.  All of a sudden, I feel myself giving her false hope.  It's easy to sit and think, "No, she's going to know the truth, and we are going to be truthful AT ALL TIMES."  But when I sit with her, look into her eyes, and see that inkling of the slightest of hope, I just...have to hope for miracles with her.  She knows she has cancer.  She knows there are a lot of things wrong with her, but if she wants to believe there is a remote chance that it's curable, I'm gonna let her.   <3

Mommy and my girls.

My mom with Jennifer (left) and Autumn (right) on Easter, 2011.  She looked so healthy here.  It's hard to believe that the jaundice came on so quickly.  

No News Day

Today was a really good day.  Mom felt better, and things just seemed...normal.  It's really hard, sometimes, to believe that my mom could be gone in less than a year.  It's so funny that people say "If I only knew WHEN I was going to die, it would be easier."  I'm not sure it is.  I mean I enjoy EVER LAST MOMENT with my mom.  I want it to last forever.  But lurking in the back of my mind is the fact that she won't be, no matter what the diagnosis.  She just isn't healthy.  Sigh. 

Wendy (at work) and I talked about what it would be like if we had a "celebration" for Mom, while she was living.  I wonder what her friends would think about that.  I wonder what SHE would think about that.  I just don't know. 

I don't want to have to do this right now in my life.  I still need my Mommy around.