Day 4

Today was SUCH a monumental day for Mom. She was able to sit up by herself, then ate some chicken broth! That was the first sustenance-type thing she's had since last week. THEN for dinner, she ate part of a chicken breast! That's the first SOLID food she's had for weeks. I am so pleased. Small steps can be huge. Thank you for all your love, again. ♥

With Every Goodbye

I found this poem on a plaque on Mom's wall. It touches me. And has a lot of meanings.

Learn With Every Goodbye

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
And after a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
and learn…
With every goodbye, you learn

– Veronica A Shoffstall 

Day 3

Day three with Mom. She seems so much stronger today, but yet less and less independent. She's not able to get out of bed by herself, so I'm doing a lot of lifting, but it's still all worth it. Tomorrow I will be able to talk to the hospice nurse about Mom's needs (hospital bed, walker, etc). It's amazing to me how fast this is going. Reminds me of a song from the 70s..."Day by Day." sigh

Day 2

Day 2 with Mommy. She's been able to keep a lot of her meds down now, so that's great. She still hasn't eaten, but the nurses are not sure she will. She has told me over and over what a relief it is for me to be here. That makes me feel so good. She's saying she's ready for a hospital bed, and I definitely think she needs a cane or walker.  I'm be talking to her nurse about that on Monday.  For the time being, I'll be staying out here through Wednesday, but longer if needed.  This is short term for the most important time of my and my mom's life. 

Time for Me

Well, it looks like Mom is going to need full-time care. The hospice nurse wants me to stay out here this weekend and document how Mom is doing. She hasn't eaten in a week and is now nauseated and can't keep pain meds down. She sleeps a lot. I feel good being here.

Plateaus

Talked to Mom's hospice nurse today. She says my mom has plateaued. Not better. Not worse. Nurse is focusing on Mom's pain management and weakness. The nurse does not feel she is near passing away any time soon. She said Mom's pain level is 5-7. She's trying to get it down to 3-4. She has upped pain med, pain patch, etc. An aide is starting on Wednesdays to help with housework. 

It's nice to be able to exhale a bit.  

Denial

Things have changed.  Now I think Mom is going through a denial/rebellion phase.  Sue flew in because she and Mom had made arrangements  to sit with an attorney and make plans for Mom's finances.  Sue had been calling people, getting information, and Mom was ok with everything.  Sue told me today that Mom didn't make an appointment with an attorney until this Tuesday, and they can't even get her in until next week.  Sue will be gone.  Then she decided that she just wants to make a will, and "everything will be handled in the will."   I really understand what's happening.  She just doesn't want to acknowledge that it's nearing the end.  She's got a (excuse my word) "fuck it" attitude.  I probably would have that too. 

She's taking 3 kinds of pain relievers now.  She's still up and mobile, mostly, but she has a lot more "bad" days than good days.  Her nurse comes twice a week, but that's all the hospice is providing.  I'm not very happy with them, either, at this moment.  They promised us lots of stuff that's not happening.  I SO need to take care of this stuff.  I.Just.Don't.Have.Time.  

I know I sound so fatalistic, but I'm just..at a loss.  I'm losing my mom, my husband and I can't pay our bills, even if I DO work all week.  If I miss a day, my check is less than when I was a teenager.  I can't change jobs, I can't work another jobs, and the list of what's wrong with me physically is getting worse and worse.  My kids need to go to the dentist, my husband needs expensive medicine...it just seems so hopeless.  I can't even imagine how things could get better.  

In other news, Steve Jobs died yesterday.  He had pancreatic cancer.  Very similar to Mom's cancer.  I hate cancer.  Life itself isn't at the top of my list right now, either.