Denial

Things have changed.  Now I think Mom is going through a denial/rebellion phase.  Sue flew in because she and Mom had made arrangements  to sit with an attorney and make plans for Mom's finances.  Sue had been calling people, getting information, and Mom was ok with everything.  Sue told me today that Mom didn't make an appointment with an attorney until this Tuesday, and they can't even get her in until next week.  Sue will be gone.  Then she decided that she just wants to make a will, and "everything will be handled in the will."   I really understand what's happening.  She just doesn't want to acknowledge that it's nearing the end.  She's got a (excuse my word) "fuck it" attitude.  I probably would have that too. 

She's taking 3 kinds of pain relievers now.  She's still up and mobile, mostly, but she has a lot more "bad" days than good days.  Her nurse comes twice a week, but that's all the hospice is providing.  I'm not very happy with them, either, at this moment.  They promised us lots of stuff that's not happening.  I SO need to take care of this stuff.  I.Just.Don't.Have.Time.  

I know I sound so fatalistic, but I'm just..at a loss.  I'm losing my mom, my husband and I can't pay our bills, even if I DO work all week.  If I miss a day, my check is less than when I was a teenager.  I can't change jobs, I can't work another jobs, and the list of what's wrong with me physically is getting worse and worse.  My kids need to go to the dentist, my husband needs expensive medicine...it just seems so hopeless.  I can't even imagine how things could get better.  

In other news, Steve Jobs died yesterday.  He had pancreatic cancer.  Very similar to Mom's cancer.  I hate cancer.  Life itself isn't at the top of my list right now, either. 

No News is Good News, right?

First of all, for the most part, assume that no news is good news.  It's so sad that I'm  not posting good updates, and I should be thankful for every GOOD moment there is, but in the long run, I'd rather just go with the "status quo" sometimes, and not have to stop and write about it.

Well, and then there's the other thing.  One night, just for kicks, I thought I'd read "at" this little book that the hospice people gave me called "When It's Time."  I knew it was about death approaching, and I'm pretty certain it's going to be a little while for Mom, so I just thought I'd read a few pages.  All of a sudden I got this panic/anxiety attack, and nearly collapsed.  WHERE did THAT come from?  I was so frustrated that I couldn't control myself from crying, sobbing, bargaining.  It was weird...it was like all of a sudden I was thinking about trying more and more things to make sure there wasn't more we could do.  Bill finally had to calm me down, and that's the last time I've done that!!  However, now, every time I even let myself "go there," [think about her dying], I panic again.

I guess I didn't mention that everything, for the most part, is going ok with her hospice.  She's definitely getting the help she needs.  I'm not really pleased with the change in staff and things so much, and I really wish we had someone to talk to other than a reverend.  I know that he's probably a great guy, and yada yada yada...I'd just prefer a licensed psychologist or something.  I'll have to find one on my own. Or not.

But all and all, my mom is doing well.  She goes to the store by herself, and so far is feeling better.  It's like she's back to her old self.  Yet she's not.

I appreciate everyone who reads this and offers support.  I kinda suck at responding, and that's rude of me.  Just know that I love you all for caring. 

Hospice

We met with the intake lady and nurse from Heart to Heart Hospice on Saturday at Mom's house.  I was very pleased with the care they provided to Mom, and she seemed to feel very good to have someone actually listen to what she had to say.  They had time for her, and that's what she's been wanting from her physicians all along.  I told Bill that I really wish that everyone could have a team of nurses around them when they are diagnosed with a serious illness.  This just seems to be the ideal situation for my mom.  They even identified the source of some of her pain from a surgery a long time ago. 

They gave me a booklet called "When Death is Near."  They told me not to even read it until I really needed to.  Of course stubborn me thought I could handle a page or two last night before I went to sleep.  I read one page, and had an anxiety attack.  I know she's not going to live forever. I know.  But when I read the details of actual death...no way.   I told Bill to shred the book (which we didn't), and I almost vomited.  Wow.  

So the way we left it, Mom will have the nurse twice a week, and  nurse's aid three times a week.  She requested a hot young male nurse, but they didn't seem to have one.  ;)  Love my mom. 

Updates and Such

I've been really bad about updating.  I need to make sure I'm writing this down, because some day I'll want to, or need to, read it. 

I'll try to go back chronologically, but I may get our of order.  Sue me.  ;)

After the chemo made her sick, Mom and I went back to see Dr. Gill's physician assistant to discuss hospice.  It was a very emotional day for me.  I'm not even really sure why.  All I know is that I go from one extreme to another.  First I'll be ole Happy Becky...just feeling normal. Then I get panicky, thinking that I need to be doing MORE for mom, even if it's just mentally doing things for her.  Like, I need to think about her daily because soon I won't be able to think in the present-tense about her.  Then I just get overwhelmed with sadness, but I don't cry much.  I still am not sure how cathartic it would be to cry.  Shedding a tear here and there is acceptable, but walking around boo-hooing, being sensitive to people mentioning dying at all is just not me.  And it probably never will be.  I didn't cry a lot when Dad died (ironically 10 years ago this December).   But anyway, back to that day.  I posted this on my Facebook that day:

 I don't wanna arrange hospice. I want to crawl in a hole and cry. Financial issues, stressed at work...make it stop, ok?

I got 31 responses to that post.   People surprise me.  It's like we all want to comfort and help each other.  I'm just speechless.  It made me feel really really good, but also really really sad.  I like attention, but not this attention.  Ah, I digress about MYSELF again. 

So we left that day, and I didn't do much about hospice.  Finally over that weekend, I found some places I really liked.  Lance's friend Colton's family owns a hospice called "Heart to Heart Hospice."  I spoke to the director, and just absolutely trusted her with my mom.  I looked into a few others (and thanks to my friends Vanessa and Sarah for giving me some excellent names), as well as to my friend Tiffany who suggested I care for my mom.  I offered that to my mom, but she knows deep down that I'm no nurse, and she wants to enjoy her time with me...not me to see her at her worst (however I anticipate seeing her at her worst one day.)  Anyway, we haven't nailed down one for sure yet, but we are meeting with a few this weekend.  I'm very comfortable with hospice.  As a matter of fact, I wish we'd get started so that Mom can have some help.  I just want to make sure her basic needs are being met.  I can run errands, etc, but I kind of think she needs someone to help her know what to do for pain, and how to deal with feelings.  The biggest thing she has to accept is that we will be find without her.  Of course that's not to say we will be GOOD without her, but we will survive.  She's so worried about being a burden to us.  I can't imagine a time EVER when she failed me when I needed her for support.  I'm sure I was a burden to her most of my adult life.  I feel good doing...what I'm supposed to do. 

Aunt Elaine is getting to Mom.  She is really making my mom feel worse, and won't listen when my mom tells her to back off.  I have thought about butting in, but I don't need to right now.  I tell ya, though, that after Mom dies, my aunt and I might have some words.  I KNOW she feels helpless, and yadda yadda yadda, but she constantly pushes my mom, and  sends her endless books/articles/researches on her cancer.  Mom said one day that she wishes Aunt Elaine would just treat her like her sister, not her "sister with cancer."  Ugh. 

I think I'll stop this post for tonight.  My neck muscles are cramping, which I've now dubbed my "Mom nerves."  I went to the doctor last Friday and got some muscle relaxers and stuff.  Flexeril is like candy to me...doesn't do a thing. 

Michael brought Serenity over to see us last Thursday.  We kept her for a few hours, and it was SO much fun.  She's adorable and really took my mind off of things.  Like I said on Facebook, she was a great diversion from things.  The Circle of Life, so to speak. 

Chemo = Negative

First of all, I've moved this blog over to a new address :http://beckysmom.blogspot.com.  It was easier having it under another email/web address. 

It's been a week since I last posted.  It's been a pretty uneventful week, all in all.  Mom had her first chemo on Wednesday.  She tolerated it really well, and met some people who were going through what she was going through.  It all seemed pretty promising.

I called her Thursday, and she seemed a little tired, but still really upbeat.  Friday was the same, but she said she kind of hurt.  Still all seemed well.

I didn't call her Saturday because we have been running around school shopping with the kids all weekend.  Sue called me today and asked if I talked to Mom.  It turns out that she has been deathly ill and sore for the last 2 days, and she has decided that she does not want chemo any more.  She was afraid that we would all be disappointed in her.  She forgets that we were all on her side in the first place.  Mom can do whatever she wants.  I'm so proud of her for getting this far, and still being strong. I really don't think anything will be different.  She was enjoying eating and getting stronger.  Hopefully she'll feel better this week, and keep plugging on.

I have a lot of emotions, but tonight all I can focus on is school starting tomorrow.  And work.  And all the other life stuff.  

Respite

Whew.  It's been an eventful, yet uneventful few days.  On Thursday, we met with Dr. Gill, and Mom decided to try the chemo for sure.  Her first treatment is on Wednesday, August 17th.  We shall see how this all goes. 

I gave myself a respite for a few days...from Friday until today.  I selfishly called them my "Mom-Free Days." I didn't really mean that I didn't want "Mom," I just didn't want to face any sort of reality for a few days.  I have been so sick.  I have stomach problems, and my neck muscle is so cramped, that it has taken 3 days for it to relax.  As I posted on Facebook, I had taken 2 muscle relaxers and a Vicodin, and it still hurt.  I feel better today, but I'm sure it will get worse this week. 

I'm concerned because my normal "coping mechanism," is to just throw myself into work and "not deal."  It's not working for this situation.  I have to figure out something else.

Enough about me. Mom is doing MUCH better with her eating.  Having Sue and Aunt Elaine there this week made her a little bit stronger, but I think she'll be glad when they are home.  Aunt Elaine took us to a Chinese buffet today for lunch.  Mom ate really well, and it was so nice to see her "normal."  Come to think of it, I haven't seen her eat that much for at least a year or two.  She didn't even leave the house much in the past year. 

I talked to Dr. Gill about hospice.  He said he was all for it, but they would not support chemo.  That's probably not the case, but at the moment, I don't have time to research it.  I don't think we're in any hurry in the near future. 

My shoulders are aching just by typing this.  Ugh.  Here we go again!

Tomorrow is the family meeting day with Dr. Gill.  Was going to type a long post, but I'm exhausted.  Mom started her Morphine today.  She was totally mellow.  I'm glad she's getting pain relief, but....if she's going to be this "out of it," most of the time....I'm not sure what the benefit is? 

Sue's boss gave her Cowboys tickets for tomorrow night.  Bill is ecstatic...I'm just thinking about how tired I will be.  I guess I'll be popping and extra Adderall tomorrow!

Played "Live Like You Were Dying" for the kids today.  We all cried together.  I was surprised that Cory cried, too.  I love that I have sensitive boys and men in my family.  That's what I did well.  :)