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Today's post is below

Sigh

Today was just not a good day.  I can't even imagine a world where my mom is not living.  It's a very odd concept.  When Dad died in 2001, it was sudden.  This is the WORST, I mean the WORST way to die, in my opinion.  It is torture, but physically and mentally, and it affects not only the patient, but the extended family as well.  I've also figured out that even if I ignore the pain, and "forget," my stomach doesn't.  Neither do my nerves, or muscles.  I have never been so tense in my life.  I'd like to ask my husband to massage it, because I know he would, but it wouldn't help.  I think I'm going to need some therapy before long.

Mom seems to be getting more and more tired and weak each day.  I'm not exactly sure she's going to even make it to chemo, which she has decided to try.  She has the option of 3 weeks of IV, once a week, or a pill every day for 2 weeks.  Personally, I'd take the pill, but she wants the IV.  Again, we will see.

Aunt Elaine is here and visits Mom for a few hours each day.  Mom won't let her stay too long.  I don''t know how I feel about that.

I've been looking into Hospice and Palliative Care.  These two sound promising: Seasons and Texas Hospice.

I'm going to check them out.  When I have time.  Sigh. 

My Cancer

This kind of makes me smile. It's all about how you deal.  Always!

Exhaustion sets in.

This has been a busy weekend.  On Friday, we saw the oncologist, Saturday, the girls and I spent the day picking up her meds and grocery shopping for her.  The pharmacists at Target are amazing, and just take SUCH good care of my mom.  Her Morphine will get here on Tuesday, so I can't to see if she feels better with that!   

I have also met 2 wonderful ladies through the Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation who have taught me a lot about what to expect with her.   My friend Vanessa, who is a nurse, is also a wealth of information.   I feel blessed to know such wonderful friends.

Today, Aunt Elaine came in from Tucson.  She's just adorable.  I'm glad she's here for Mom.  Later this week, we will go together to talk to Dr. Gill again and see what her options are. 

I'm exhausted.  I'm really glad Aunt Elaine is here.  I love my mom, but I'm tired. 

Not What We Expected

We met with Mom's oncologist yesterday.  He explained that 1) she does have cancer of the Bile Duct,  2) It is Stage Four BUT 3) instead of it being fast moving, like most bile duct cancers, hers is "low grade" or..slow moving.  Basically, it is still fatal, and not operable, but because she "walked into his office, dressed nicely, did her hair, etc," he would like her to try chemo.  He said one of three things would happen: 1) the chemo would work, 2) the chemo would not work  3) it could get worse.  If it got worse, she would stop.   He told her it was totally up to her, and if she decided that she didn't want to do any of the chemo, he would give her enough pain meds to make her comfortable, however long she has.  He told her to take time and spend it with family, and make her decision.  Aunt Elaine is coming in from Arizona tomorrow to be with her for a week.  Sue is coming in on Thursday.  I will be happy to have my aunt and sister here.  It's nice to have other family helping with stuff for a bit.  Bill and I are just exhausted.  Yet...it's what you do for your parents.  Period. 

SSDD

After not hearing anything from the doctor all day, my sister, Sue, called Mom's surgeon's office.  Basically, they told us that there is nothing new that has developed.  The tests are still inconclusive.  However,  the doctors are frustrated because she has all of the other symptoms of bile duct cancer, but they can't get a definite diagnosis.  They also mentioned that they have asked and asked and asked for my mom to call her oncologist, because that's who would actually be able to diagnose her further.  Evidently there is not a true "test" for bile duct cancer, because it's so rare. 

So, after two endoscopies, my poor mommy has to wait.  For more.  If I could and were able, I'd pick her up and move to Houston to go to MD Anderson, or up North to Cancer Treatment Centers of America.  My greatest fear is that they will take so long to CONFIRM the diagnosis, that she won't get to come to terms with it.

I worry that she will end up like Alan's poor mom, who died of lung cancer.  The poor woman lived for a year with what her doctors said was a "fungus," because the "tests didn't show it was definitely lung cancer."  When they finally found a doctor who confirmed what it was, she had 2 months to live.  Somehow, I feel like this is going to happen to my mom.

I know I need to be aggressive.  I know, I know.  I just have no energy.  So much responsibility.  But I have to do it..for her, don't I ?

Live Like You Were Dying....

Mom had another scope today.  The doctor said he didn't see anything "new," but that she should have results on Wednesday.  She was so frail and upset today.  I just don't think it's going to be much longer.  It's just so sad having to hear her come to terms with that.  How could it feel to hear that you are dying.  Everytime I think about it, I think about this amazing Tim McGraw song

I love you, Mommy.  (and just for giggles....Tim McGraw looks DAMN hot in this video.  ;) )